Welcome to Jayrey’s Universal Power Rankings!

1. Jimmy Kimmel – See “Sean Hannity” below. Kimmel also wins this round.
2. Pandas – Apparently these little guys are making the beast with two backs (logistically does that work for pandas?) at an astonishing rate. Just ask Fox News’ finest, Tucker Carlson. Instead of reporting that unethical Hannity had some sort of professional relationship with Michael Cohen, he elected to report on the vigorous mating habits of these cuddly critters. And who says that folks at Fox News don’t take their job seriously. (See: Michael Flynn’s indictment. The top story on Fox News? Emoji Cheeseburgers. I kid you not.)
3. Nirvana & Your Ears – I don’t like HBO’s Westworld (I tapped out after 3 episodes), however the trailer for the 2nd season uses an ill instrumental cover of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box that will make your soul cry. It was done by Ramin Djawadi, who you might know as the composer who created the legendary Game of Thrones theme. Seriously, do yourself a favor and click on this link and take the 3:25 to listen to this. It’s a game-changer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDS8SeO6hyg&feature=youtu.be
96. Walking Dead – Sorry, but I’m out. I can’t take it any more. It’s allll the same. And I guess you can say that about a lot of TV shows, but it seems magnified in this overrated Groundhog Day of a post-apocalyptic nightmare. Here’s my explanation of the show: Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Our crew finds a good spot. Things go bad and they have to find a new spot. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. There just isn’t enough zombie action in this zombie show and I don’t care about these characters at all. But I’ve been watching this for 8-going-on-23 years now! Although I’m pot committed, I need to pull the plug on this faster than NBC did to the Matt LeBlanc Friends spinoff.
666Sean Hannity – Down 2 spots from last week (which was still too damn high for this immoral hypocritical blowhard), this scourge upon the world is just taking haymakers left and right. This pedophile-supporting piece of trash who tries to pass as a journalist decided to take on Jimmy Kimmel in a twitter & TV war of words and lost badly. The primary reason for his glorious demise was the fact that he’s not as smart as Kimmel. In fact, he’s not even as smart as the bully from my 7th grade class who used to huff spray paint in the campground port-a-potties. But being dumb isn’t a crime. If it were, then 97.4% of elected Republicans and their supporters would be in prison (bada-bing!). But you know what is a crime? PROBABLY EVERYTHING THE FBI FOUND IN MICHAEL COHEN’S FILES RELATED TO SECRET “CLIENT #3” SEAN HANNITY! Oh yes, turns out this doofus, in a spectacular display of modern day hari kari utilized the “legal services”/consulted with attorney hack/criminal/goon/Trump-dumbass-of-the-week Michael Cohen. You know the FBI is gonna find something in Cohen’s secret recordings/misspelled emails that will be highly embarrassing to Hannity. I mean, all the goombah did was pay off mistresses of God-Fearing Pro-Life Sanctity of Marriage-supporting Republicans and donors. Jimmy Kimmel, release the hounds.
1,459. Michael Cohen – The only person who’s having a worse week than Hannity in my rankings is Cohen. The soon-to-be-disbarred/imprisoned attorney of our treasonous POTUS styles himself as part George Clooney from Michael Clayton and part Liev Schrieber from Ray Donovan, but in reality is a less effective version of Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. And as we have now seen, being aligned with Trump is a death sentence for your career, reputation, social life, and Uber rating. Cohen is now reaping this self-fulling prophecy. I can’t wait until he folds like a cheap lawn chair under the bright lights of the judicial system and this banana republic of a regime can finally be stopped.
Good night and good luck.

Author: Jayrey26

Orange Badger with a Torero J.D.

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